Taming the White Tiger

A few years back, I was living in a small apartment in Provo Utah with my husband, Brandon, and my white cat named Hector Ayala.  Brandon was napping in the bedroom and I had just gotten home from PetSmart with some kitty treats and other essentials.  While I was there I saw a nice blue collar.  It had a cute little bell on it and the color looked like the ocean on a tropical beach somewhere.  Hector had never worn a collar.  He never needed to since he was an indoor cat but I decided that it was time for him to wear one.  I pulled the tags off the collar and undid the buckle on it. I laid it out on my coffee table so I could be ready for him.

I called Hector over with the promise of treats and he came willingly.  He must have been thinking the red beast is sharing her bounteous hoardings.  I pulled him up onto my lap and gave him some scratches then I grabbed the collar.  It was like he could sense danger. He began to tense up and squirm.  I held him a bit tighter and said soothingly, “Awe, it’s okay Hector Spector,” which is one of his nicknames.  He looked up at me with his wide knowing eyes and I could tell they were filled with fear.  While he was looking at me, I put the collar around his neck.  He immediately began biting my hand.  I tried to continue to put it on him while he was gnawing at my flesh but it became too painful.  I said, “HECTOR! STOP!” and he did. 

I began to thread the collar through the buckle when he began to squirm more.  The thing you have to remember about Hector Ayala is that he may be white and fuzzy but he is strong and cunning as well.  He began kicking his back legs against my forearm like a bunny would to hop around.  My grip tightened.  I finished latching the collar onto her his neck.  I decided not to give it a whole lot of wiggle room so he wouldn’t be able to just slip out of it and I sent him on his way.

He jumped off my lap and gave me a dirty look.  He scuttled off and hid somewhere.

A few minutes later I head grunting and heavy breathing.  I looked underneath the side table in our living room and sure enough there he was.  There were clumps of hair everywhere and Hector was a heaving mound of white anger.  I went to put my hand on his back to comfort him when his body levitated off the ground, flipped around, landed facing me, and then he squealed at me.  I drew my hand back and shrieked.  He was in no mood to be comforted.  As I drew closer to see what the problem was I realized that he had somehow slipped his back paw into the collar and was stuck that way.  He was breathing heavily and grunting from the struggle to get loose.  I panicked.

I went to grab him and he became nothing more than a flailing blur of claws and flying white fur.  I grabbed the closest blanket I could find to wrap around him to keep him from shredding my delicate pale skin.  I threw it over him but it was like the blanket was a fluffy white cloud and it dissipated as soon as it touched him. 

I called for my husband who was sound asleep in the bedroom and could not hear my panicked pleas.  I decided I was on my own to save my cat from suffocating to death by his own stupid foot.  I picked up his writhing body and pushed through the pain of claws on flesh.  He used his one free back paw to slice open my forearm.  I screamed out in pain and then held him closer. 

I knew from that point it was eat or be eaten so I grabbed a toss pillow with one hand while holding the trembling hissing animal with the other.  I pushed the pillow onto his claws and held him down tight with one hand while I pulled his back paw free.  Now that all four paws were free, he was a lot stronger and extremely angry.  He began kicking as hard as he could with his powerful back legs and tearing open the soft pale Irish skin on me legs.  I pushed pillow into him harder with my elbows and forearms.  Luckily, due to my shoddy housekeeping skills there were multiple things on my coffee table including scissors.  I somehow managed to grab the scissors and cut the cursed collar off my cat.

Once the collar was off, I lifted the pillow and there was nothing but a white blur running off to hide somewhere.  I cried out a pitiful sound that I am not entirely sure was English.  I looked at the remains of what used to be my arms and my legs and thought I would never, ever put a collar on the great white tiger known as Hector Ayala again. 

A Day in the Life of Hector Ayala

A beam of light shone through the eyelid of a cat named Hector Ayala. It created a creamcicle orange color. Hector opened his eyes and saw nothing but a blinding light. He blinked and looked away. Realizing where he was, he looked around at the familiar scene. Hector had fallen asleep on the back of the loveseat in the living room. He took in the sight of articles of clothing on the floor, as well as a bunch of empty drink cups. Is it really so hard to put things away. Those lazy humans!

Directly to his left there was a window, which was covered by blinds. There where small specs of light shining through the holes where the strings, which held the blinds together, came through. Hector noticed the small beams of light on the loveseat and jumped onto the seat. What is that? Where does it come from? Every morning, it comes and rests there on the couch but where does it come from. He tapped it with his paw. It did not move. Curious. Hector spent a few minutes poking at it until he was no longer interested in the little beams of light. Hector decided to wander around. It would be a few hours before The Big One and The Red One would wake up.

Trotting down the hall, Hector noticed that there was one of the stretchy black things that The Red One puts in her hair to hold it back. YES! I love these things! Hector swatted at it. It flew across the floor. He chased after it and skidded to a stop right in front of it. He moved it around with his paw for a moment. Then he grabbed it with his claw and pulled it up, lowered himself onto his back, and grabbed it with his back paw as well. He stretched it between his front and back paw for a few moments. I like this workout because it makes my leg muscles strong and I get to lie down while doing it. The stretchy black thing flew across the hall next to his water dish. Hector bolted towards it and slid into the bowl of water, causing the it to splash on the floor and onto his paws.

Ewe, I hate when this happens. My paws are all wet, Hector thought as he shook his paws and made a sour expression. He decided that now was as good of time as any and lapped up some water. He was very thirsty. He drank for a while. After drinking he needed to relieve himself. The litter box was full and Hector sniffed around for a good spot to pee. That’s been taken, that’s been taken… I guess this spot will do. After he was done, he tried to bury it but… since the box was full, this was not easy. Stupid Red One, she is supposed to clean this out.

Hector walked out of the bathroom thinking all sorts of profanities about The Red One and decided he was going to go look at the light spots on the couch again. He jumped up and stared at them for a while. This held his attention for much longer this time.

In a few hours time Hector had repeated these actions several times and he decided he was bored so he walked down the hall one more time and came to The Big One and The Red One’s bedroom. He could hear them both snoring. He let out a pitiful little meow. It was much more quiet than he had intended. This time he wailed. The Red One stirred. It’s working. She’s waking. He meowed a few more times. After a while of meowing and attacking The Red One’s feet, she got up and they played some games. Hector decided after he chased the feather wand around for an exceedingly long time, that he was tired enough to go to sleep. He jumped up onto the office chair and curled up into a ball. He thought about his day and all the things he had accomplished. Cat days may seem short and uneventful to human spectators but to a cat these seemingly trivial activities are just part of an important to do list. Hector thought about his day as he drifted off to sleep. My muscles are going to be so big. I only hope The Red One doesn’t find my black stretchy thing and take it away again… Hector fell asleep and dreamt of a room filled with light spots and black stretchy things.

Rise and Shine

I have a slightly tortured relationship with my cat. Mainly, I like to torment him and chase him around and he just takes it. I often like to wrap him up in a blanket and hold him like a baby. He hates it. I also like to try and scare him, by suddenly shouting, “BABY!” I think he dislikes that the most. We do have our good times and we mostly just have fun playing together or cuddling. Even though I torment him, it should be understood that he is not helpless. He has ways of evening the score. I have often gone to turn the corner and found him there, ready to pounce at my face. Other times, he will be try to get me to play with him. As I walk away, he will bear hug my calves and dig his claws into my flesh. Perhaps his favorite thing to do to me is to come into my room in the wee small hours of the morning and meow with all his might! He usually does this sporadically until I decide it’s not worth it to continue the protest.

One such morning, around 8:30 A.M. on my day off, I was sleeping. Hector snuck into my room and heard the ambient noise of the fan and intense snoring. He walked over to my side of the bed and let out a pitiful squeak. I did not stir. He decided he would be heard this time. He steadied his stance and raised his head and bellowed, letting out a sound that can only be described as a siren of death. There was a snort, ending the motorized sound coming from my nostrils. I rolled over and ignored Hector’s plea. Again, he sounded the alarm and tried to get me to wake up. It did not work.

Hector must have gotten tired of meowing so he left for about fifteen minutes and I was given the opportunity to enjoy the silence. I stupidly believed that it would be different that morning. I was in a fantasy world. I actually believed that I would be able to sleep through the morning without hearing what has been described as the most annoying sound in the world. I lay there, cozy and warm in my bed, feeling oh so happy, when I heard the sound of clawed paws walking on linoleum. It was the little white turd.

I turned towards the door, realizing that it was Hector. He poked his head through the open doorway and meowed again. I said nothing and he blinked. He stood silent for a moment. It was a stare-off. Suddenly, without provoke, he sounded the siren. I just snapped and yelled, “SHUT UP!”

At the urging of my tantrum, he walked over to my bedside table and hopped up. He had a determined look of revenge in his eyes. He sat himself right next to my nearly full glass of water. He looked at it and then at me. He raised his paw slowly, as if to lick it. Then he moved it cautiously over my glass. I said, “Hector,” and all the while staring at me, he lowered his paw into the water and pulled it over. A flood of cool water splashed over the rim. It poured out and splashed all over my face and sheets. I remember seeing a flash of white as Hector flew out of the room. I threw off my sheets and ran down the hall. What happened next shall not be recorded. It makes me look foolish and I just won’t do it but let’s just say, I still need to get even with Hector Ayala.

Irish Whiskey

I was working in the credit department when I received a relay call. Relay calls are a service that deaf people use to make phone calls. The hearing-impaired use an IM feature on their computer with an individual who then relays the conversation.

A man, who has been a customer of RC Willey’s for a while, was using Relay to call and discuss his bill, which he received in the mail.  I answered the phone, “Hello, thank you for calling RC Willey Credit Department. How can I help you?”

A woman’s voice came through on the other line and said, “Hello my name is Vanessa. I work for a company that does relay calls for the hearing impaired. Have you ever used this feature before?

“No I have not.” 

She began to explain it by saying that each time you finish with what you are saying, you say, stop and go ahead. She asked, “Are you ready to go ahead?”

My brain started going into overdrive thinking of all the ways I could accidentally insult the man and how this conversation could result in my termination. I saw myself being escorted off the premises and asked to never return again. I said, “Yes.”

She said, “Go ahead?”

“Yes, go ahead.”

Vanessa said, “I have a few questions about my account. Stop.”

I replied, “Go ahead. Stop.”

Speaking for the man, Vanessa said, “Why is my balance showing late fees? Stop.”

I looked at his account and found that he was over ten days late on payments for a couple months and had received late fees for those months. I started to answer by saying, “It looks like you’ve missed your payment due dates by over ten days the past couple of months. That is why you have late fees. Stop. Go ahead.”

He immediately started giving excuses and saying I was wrong. I tried to explain a littler deeper.

Any time you are on the other end of a relay call, the user can interrupt you at any time but the IM feature for the trained relay call employee cannot interrupt. This means that the hearing impaired can interrupt you so you sound like an idiot. Vanessa’s voice came through the phone once again and said, “You’re not making any sense.”

I said, “Sir, let me finish and I assure you I will make sense to you. Stop.”

He asked, “Why am I being charged late fees? I’m not supposed to have interest or payments for six months. Stop.”

I understood immediately why he was perplexed. He was confusing the same as cash plan with the payment plan. I started to explain this by saying, “With this plan you have to make payments each month. If you miss two payments, interest will be charged and you will have late fees applied to your account. Your payments are due each month, which is why your statements say amount due, each month. Stop.”

There was an intense pause. I imagined both the relay lady and the deaf mute jumping through the phone and beating me to an inch of death. Then the relay lady spoke with great disdain.  She said, “You-sound-drunk…”

The deaf man thought I sounded drunk. Imagine my surprise when the man who had no auditory function suddenly developed the sense of sound, even without a phone. That is truly amazing. However, I had no gratitude for witnessing this miracle. I ignored it and focused on my rage.

I felt like telling him off and using some carefully chosen insults but instead I said, “Sir you cannot talk to me that way. I’m trying to explain this to you but if you talk that way to me. I will not help you.”

Then he kept insisting that I get a “sober” manager on the phone because he was tired of talking to me. I, of course, did get a manager on the phone and he was perfectly pleasant to her. He did not insult her or call her a boozer.

I have experienced many things during my employ with RC Willey but this was my first miracle. I will always remember when the deaf man heard my drunken behavior.

 

Flatus

Most people who know me recognize that I feel awkward around other's children. Of course I think they are cute and are usually good for a laugh but I'm genuinely terrified of them. I think it's something about their eyes, so wide, and observant. I think they'll see right through me and know that I have no natural ability to pacify them. As the youngest in my family I was not the one comforting or trying to entertain a young child. This is why I am afraid of becoming a mother. I am enormously hopeless when it comes to children.

 

Just recently I had breakfast with a friend from work who has a 10-month-old girl. This child is simply beautiful.  I have an atypical love for this young child. She is full of life and so much fun.  I have a curiously comfortable feeling around her as long as her mother, Ashley, is right there with me.  Breakfast was enjoyable.  Ashley and I shared laughs and had a filling breakfast.  After breakfast, however, Ashley got up to go to the bathroom.  On her way she said, "Can you watch her for me?"

 

My pupils constricted and my heart began to race. I answered feebly, "Yes."

 

Ashley sat the chubby baby directly in front of me and said, "If she cries, bring her to me."

 

I wasn't sure which prospect was more distressing, the thought of a screaming child that won't listen to reason, or interrupting a private time of a friend.  Despite the fact I love her dearly, I didn't really want to become acquainted with her in that intimate way. I sat there staring at the round face of this tiny person.  I felt foolish sitting in silence, so I said, "Hello Maddi, how are you today?"

 

Maddi started blank-faced at me. The fear inside me rose. I felt ridiculous trying to make conversation with someone whose vocabulary skills were at most squeals or raspberries.  Maddi was now bored with me and started to play with a teething ring. I watched her play with it for a while. She really enjoyed shaking it. It flew suddenly out of her grip. I started where it fell. I feared screaming and I knew I could not give it back to her because it fell on the floor and the floor was filthy. I decided to what is most natural to me. I made fart noises with my mouth. Astonishingly, it worked. She looked at me and smiled. I was shocked. Fart noised had worked.

 

Rather pleased with my success, I began to make random noises. It seemed to hold her attention well enough.  It also got the attention of every table around me. I didn't care though.  I was triumphant. I successfully held the attention of a small child without making her cry.   

Orphaned

I would like to preface this story by saying that I wrote this not because I was feeling sad but because I wanted a record of it. Sad things happen and that is a fact. You cannot hide from them and you cannot pretend that they aren't a part of you. I am grateful for all of the experiances in my life because I know I am stronger for them. I hope that whoever reads this can find some comfort in the fact that my life is good and that while I miss my mother, I am happy.



I came to consciousness suddenly. A faint sound of whimpering came from my sister's bed. The air seemed thick with sadness and torment. "Mom? No, no, no", came more sobs from Brianne's bed.

I knew the moment I heard my sister's lament. My stomach dropped, the way it does when something terrifying happens. For a brief moment, panic set in. They are wrong. I need to check on her. We were supposed to have more time.

Reality set in and I sat up in bed, "Mom!" My voice cracked, "She… she's gone?" That was a dumb question, I already knew what happened.

My oldest sister, Jennifer, came to my bedside. Fear and mourning in her eyes. I could tell what was weighing on her mind. She was the oldest. It was her responsibility to make sure we were okay. "Mom is gone. She passed while you where sleeping," she said flatly.

My eyes felt warm and wet, as if I had sprung a wild leak. My lip began to quiver and I let out a moan of grief. I suddenly pushed myself up out of bed. Jenne pushed me back down to a seated position. I fell back down with ease, my body heavy with grief and sleep. She said, "You don't need to see this."

Flashes of red and white filled the room. Turning to the window, I saw an ambulance pull up to the curb of my house. There was a knocking at our door. "We received a call from this residence that there was a death," a man said.

A hoarse and tired sounding voice, which belonged to my grandmother, said, "Yes, please come in." Metal rattling filled the silent house. My sister left the room at the prompting of this sound.

Sitting there, my senses started to fade. My eyes felt large in my head. My nose felt like someone was pushing a pillow against it. The thoughts drained from my head. Numbness had come over me and the world around me did not exist. There was no life on this planet, no food, no friendships, and no air to breathe.

Suddenly, air filled my lungs as if I had come back to life. It was as though my consciousness came back to this world but it was unlike any world I had ever known. It was lonely, dark, and cold. I could recall that I had a family and friends but not a single name came to my memory. A hollow scuffling came to my ears. It was uncomfortable. It filled me with dread. The plastic wheels of the gurney rolled over the pavement outside of my house.

In a trance, my body stood up. My legs moved, bringing me forward. My body stopped next to the window in my room. I bent over, looking through the broken slats on my blinds. Flashing red and white, there was a gurney with a still body in a large black bag. This image made me pause. It seemed absurd to put a human body into what resembled a garbage bag.

I watched as they lifted the stretcher into the ambulance and they drove away. My body felt vacant, as if I was the one who had died. Sleep never came that night, feeling didn't come either. A colorless world with an ambulance driving away flashed in my mind every time I closed my eyes. I will never forget that night or the lack of sensation, as if I had been alone in a dark cavernous place.

The Freezer Diaries

When I was 16-years-old I worked at Arby's fast food restaurant. I worked at the counter sometimes but mostly in the drive-thru since I was the fastest they had there. I hated working there. I disliked the people I worked with, I reviled taking orders for food that would most-likely kill the person ordering it, and I detested the smell of the place. Even to this day when I see the sign for Arby's I can smell the roast beef.

I never really felt like I fit in there. There was no one my age or with similar interests as me. When I arrived to work everyday, I had to take my things to the back of the restaurant. To do so, I had to pass the kitchen where a man named Alfredo worked. He was a 50-year-old Spanish-speaking man who was, let's say extremely affectionate. Every-time I came back there he would stop me and not let me through until I hugged him and said, "Hola, como estas." It was truly creepy. This kind of social environment and the nature of the work was why I had such deep loathing for that job.

One day I was working at the front counter and drive-thru alone. It was extremely slow that day. I remember only seeing our usual costumers there. There was a lady who always came in around noon to get a Diet Coke, no ice, as well as a small curly fry. She would sit there, eat her curly fry, and finish her Diet Coke. There was also a man who came in every day to get the Big Beef n' Cheddar combo meal.

It was the definition of slow so naturally the cooks were blaring their Spanish music. Alfredo, my special touchy-feely friend, was serenading me from the food window. I suddenly heard the door chime. I looked over and saw the largest man I have ever seen. He came up to the counter, wheezing from the trip into the store. He was inquiring about a coupon, "Are you still honoring this coupon?" His massive sweaty hand dropped a crinkled coupon on the counter. I picked it up as his droopy eyes stared down at me. It was damp so I tried to make as little contact with it as possible.

The expiration date, clearly listed on the front, showed that it was still good. I said, "Yes, sir we are still honoring it." The coupon gave the consumer a deal of five roast beef sandwiches for $5.95.

The corpulent man, now sweating profusely, had an expression of glee on his face. He said, "I'll take it… uh they freeze good." His eyes seemed to suddenly shift about at the prompting of this statement.

I paused for a moment, stared at him, and said, "Yes… I'm sure they do, if you freeze them." The man gave me a look of undeserved superiority, as if it weren't a lie, then paid for his order. I placed his order. In a few awkward moments he took his to-go order to the dining room and proceeded to eat every last disgusting roast beef sandwich. By the time he finished his third sandwich, I couldn't bear watching any more of this hideous display of gluttony.

I was alone at my post and really had no one to talk to so I turned to organize some things. The condiments were contained in a grey plastic box on the counter behind the registers. I took them all out and started to stack them by flavor. I was in a trance and forgot about my surroundings. I was nearly half way through my task when I heard something. It sounded oddly familiar but I could not place it. What was that sound… is something leaking, is someone whistling. The smell of musty sweat filled the air. Then I realized. The sound was wheezing!

The incredible roast beef disposal unit was back. I whirled around. There on the counter was another soggy, crinkled coupon and standing in front of me at the counter was the largest man I've ever seen.